Today' s thoughts are as straightforward as it gets. As always, I am knee deep in self-study and curious about the ways I suffer (which are too many to count, this week alone). Here’s a good analogy for the pickle I often find myself in. 

As I see it, despite all of life’s beautiful experiences, a wall gets forged, brick by brick, gene by gene, life experience by life experience in every one of us. This wall includes but is not limited to:

• Every unkind word muttered your way. 

• The consequences of being the oldest, the middle, the youngest, the only, the adopted, the fostered, the invisible, the over-criticized or the abandoned child.

• The repercussions of every financial, physical, psychological and familial struggle including: 

• The losses, the separations and the deaths.

• You know, to name a few.

A combination of gene expression and the inevitable spectrum of adverse life experiences, every wall is constructed quite differently than every other wall. I’ve spent a lot of time staring at my own. Too much, perhaps. But doing so helps me understand why I do what I do as often as I do it. After 58 years of keenly observing myself and others, I think it is safe to say that although each person’s wall comes about in its own unique way and although each of us responds differently to the discomfort that ensues when life throws something against it, a very similar narrative is written within us because of the process.

I’m not good enough. I am unlovable. I am not to be trusted. This moment is not to be trusted. I don’t matter. I am not ok. 

So unkind, so untrue. And yet……

Forged early and formidable in nature, this wall and the discomfort I feel when anything butts up against it fuels all sorts of assumptions, reactions and temporary band-aids of behavior. Here’s a sampling of how it all plays out.

1. The event—

   1. The entitled driver that goes ahead of me at a four way stop. 

   2. The friend who is having a successful moment. 

   3. The thing I was not invited to. 

   4. The mistake I made.

2. What my mind says about the event—

   1. I follow the rules, why doesn’t everyone else? The world is not to be trusted.

   2. What’s wrong with me that I cannot succeed? I am not good enough.

   3. I’m unworthy of love. I do not matter.

   4. I am not okay unless I am perfect.

3. Some likely responses to the frenzy of uncomfortable sensations this narrative drums up—

   1. Flip ‘em the bird, lay on the horn, screech out of sight, obsess on how everyone is doing it wrong. Because they really are. Imbeciles.

   2. Share some jealousy-fueled gossip OR perseverate on how I am a loser OR throw in the towel and simply doom scroll for two hours.

   3. Eat a cookie. Or a sleeve of cookies.

   4. Kick, scream and/or beat my point to a pulp. Add another cookie and maybe another hour on Facebook. Send another email once again reasserting my point. Why can’t everyone see it my way, for the love of God?

By now, I hope you understand that the metaphorical ‘wall’ is nothing short of all that is written on our nervous systems. Truly, billions of beautiful things have happened in my life (and are happening now). Mostly, however, my response to life gets filtered through the billions of things that went (and are going) wrong—because that’s what I’m wired to do. Can you see why life is so hard and why relationships can be so challenging? The light in me honors the light in you. That’s not exactly how we go about things. In reality, for a good chunk of the time, it’s the wall in me that is trying to make sense of itself and ensure my survival is interacting with the wall in you that is doing the very same thing.

If you are handling things well (in other words, if your nervous system is regulated and behaving on your behalf), excellent. You’re in the minority. If you’re like me and understand there’s room for improvement, I’ve got some ideas for skillfully managing the whole sordid mess. Disentangling from the wall’s grip is not for the faint of heart. The pull is strong.

First and foremost, in my humble opinion, it would serve all of us well to learn to give this moment the benefit of the doubt. I am not the person I was when all of those other things happened and none of these people and the circumstances I find myself up against are the same either. It’s all too easy to go there, however. A regulated nervous system helps us discern the difference and insert perspective when it all hits the fan…..

1. Takes a pause and a breath. This is not about me. Perhaps they’re having a crappy day (or life). It’s okay, go ahead of me. Namaste.

2. Good for them! This inspires me to make an improvement too. Stands tall in mountain pose.

3. Not sure what happened, but I’m not going to take it personally. Everyone can’t be invited to everything. Attends Shabbat services.

4. Oh honey, go easy on yourself. We all make mistayks. Buys themself flowers.

See the difference? More importantly, can you feel the difference? 

Please know: I am preaching to the choir here. I write what I have learned and, mostly, what I am learning. What fires together, wires together. If you are like me and hard-wired for hypervigilance, self-doubt and a whole lot of fight, flight, freeze and fawn, I think there’s no greater gift for ourselves and our world than for the vast majority of us to work on moving this needle. 

Spiritual practices/community, forgiveness, gratitude, psychotherapy, the twelve steps of recovery and an adherence to morality are good for the nervous system. So is time in nature, solitude, breathwork, yoga, mantra, meditation, music, dancing, art, theatre, nutrient-dense food, electronic fasts, human/pet connection and anything else that expands you. A physical therapy professor at UConn once said “You can’t learn to dance if you’re sitting on your pants.” If you want to feel better, if you want to handle life with more grace, if you want a more realistic interpretation of the present moment that is untainted by the influence of your past moments, there are steps to take but we most definitely have got to take them. 

There have been times when I have been highly invested in nervous system practices and I could see how life sort of bent around the wall rather than idle in front of it. AND, there have been times (too many to count) where I fell away from doing these things despite their undisputed positive impact on my life. Hmmm, these days come to mind.

And so, today, I am beginning again. Again. A little bit of self-study and a little bit of an action plan. Honestly, life has ramped up since the pandemic and it’s time to recommit to the things I can do that I know will bring more ease and less reaction to it all. With a deep bow to all the teachers who inspire me every day to get off my pants, I’m in. I hope you will join me. 

In peace, Crystal